mmdmatt84

So, I have my coworkers calling me Mel and have changed my e-mail so I don't go by Melissa in the office. It will take some work on everyone's part, including my own, as I am used to saying Melissa in my work setting.

I got my hair cut by my friend T. It is great to have short hair. It is a little shorter than I would have liked, but that is my own fault, I chose a short clip for the buzzer. After my haircut I and my good buddies M and T went out to play some frisbee golf.. FUN but I was terrible. I was addressed as a gentleman and it was awesome!

I also saw my therapist yesterday. I hate introductory sessions where you try to chronicle your life. In the hour session, I am guessing I got up to about 5th grade and she concluded by saying I may have more issues to deal with than the trans stuff. It is frustrating because I have truly worked through all of that. I psychoanalyzed myself constantly until I was about 24 and they decided enough was enough with the past. I was who I was and it was time to take steps forward instead of always looking back. I think I am going to have to put my foot down at my next meeting and tell her that I am paying her to help her get through my trans stuff and to get a T letter...and that if other stuff comes up, we can deal with it as it may, but not focus on it.

Everyone at work has responded well to my haircut and name change so far. Oh, and I can't remember if I included it in my last blog, but I am no longer going to do the 'hippy Matt' thing and keep long hair. It just wasn't me and I want to be perceived as male as often as I can, which the long hair doesn't help in doing.

I am also amidst watching transgeneration with my significant other which is a good facilitator of conversation.

That's all for today. I have work to do.

So this is my first blog!

As I was looking around at other FTM's myspace pages, I realized that blog entries are an amazing resource, so I am going to try to chronicle my transition as well. I am pre-T, have long hair, and size D cup breasts; therefore I have not made it a point to start asking too many people around me to call me Matt or use male pronouns. I do use spirit gum to add facial hair sometimes while I go out on the weekends, but I really want the real deal. I wear a binder from Underworks, but it is getting a little stretched out. I would like to get another couple binders next month after I get paid again. I wear my binder almost everyday, but sometimes that causes me to breathe shallow and to have an irritated GI tract (as I already have issues from earlier years as a bulimic).

Other steps I have taken today is that I switched primary care physicians. I am one of the lucky men who have insurance and I found an FTM-friendly PCP. I am very grateful. My last PCP was exceptional. I really enjoyed him, but I just was not comfortable talking to him about the medical excursion that is transitioning. Now that is in place. I do not need a physical, and I do not have a T letter, so I won't be having an appointment with her anytime soon. I am trying to find a therapist as well. I have an authorization to see someone who is supposed to be trans-friendly, but I am leery of her. She seems almost too feminine...I know that sounds odd, but regardless, I am gonna give it a go. I called today but had to leave her a message. I also sent her an e-mail so she would have a bit of a written history on me. I also e-mailed someone in IT where I work to look into changing my e-mail address, as of now it still has my full first name given at birth, and I would like to shorten it to be gender neutral and my chosen middle name, Mel. I am also going to look into changing my name to Mel on all of my contact info on my work's website. Until I am on T long enough to have a deep voice and facial hair, I prefer my common name to be Mel and Matt to be used by people who have a clearer understanding of the picture.

Which brings me to my next topic. I keep feeling sick thinking about my family's reaction. My whole family has heard me speak of transitioning before, but I always back down to their wishes...not that they are hard core or would at all disown me, they just prefer that I wouldn't. It would be so confusing to my younger nieces and nephew, my father would think that I was being stupid (he just wouldn't disown me for it), and I could never tell my grandparents if they were both living, because I think one would drive the other nuts trying to psychoanalyze me with no psychological education. This all has led me to want to begin transitioning and get on T and slowly come out to people one-by-one as I am more comfortable explaining my decision to them. Does anyone have any advice about this? I am in a hippy town, so I figure with my long hair and a shave job I can transition between Matt the hippy and Mel the family member they all know. IDK for sure though...it is tough.

That is all for now. I gotta peace out!

-Matthew